Summer report card.

Here’s the top films of the summa’ so far…packaged in standard Top 8 format.



1- Super 8– By emulating some of the better, more-heartfelt blockbusters of yesteryear we get one of those for currentyear. A-

2- Bridesmaids– If you loved The Hangover… you’ll probably like anything. Lucky for you this movie’s actually funny. B+

3- X-Men: First Class– The prequel you wanted way less than Wolverine, that’s way better than Wolverine. B

4- Fast Five– Took em five tries, but they finally found it: a sorta enjoyable Fast film. B- 

5- Priest– It recalls the high-concept action-y exploitation flicks of John Carpenter. Stupid, unpretentious fun. B-

6- Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides– Proof that a bank-busting, overly ambitious train-wreck (At World’s End) is still more amusing than a more modestly budgeted, underly-ambitious one. C+

7- Green Lantern– Instead of that cool Green Lightmen movie you were hoping for… you get this phoned-in origin sequel. C

8- Thor -Rhyming with the words bore and snore isn’t just a coincidence… it’s a warning. D+

——-Hanna (honorable mention)- Technically released just outside of the summer season…otherwise this probably would’ve topped the list. It’s well directed, well acted and involves a little girl punching SWAT guys. See it when it hits the Blu rays. A-



Note: Both the new Hangover and Chop-Chop Panda were not viewed, and thus not included (although I think only Panda would’ve made it this far).

Bonus Note: 3D is not an upgrade for any of the films on this list. Trust me. I paid extra to find out for you.

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Get outta my head Micheal Bay!

Dear M. Bay,

I don’t know how you do it man. I saw “Transformers” on an innocent summer day, “Bad Boys II” still fresh in my mind. I trusted you. Sure you directed “Armageddon”, but you also gave us “The Rock”. All that changed as those robot-punchin’ minutes dragged on. I left that theater a different man. “You got me this time, Micheal!”, I said, “but never again!”

How wrong I was. Over time I caved and bought “T-formers” because of the “audio quality”, and learned to forgive once more. By the time “Revenge of the Fallen” came out I was cutting that midnight premiere line. I even sprung for the IMAX ticket because of the 9 minutes of “special footage” you shot. You did it again. You had pulled me into your circus tent, vomited into my eyes, screamed racial epitaphs into my ears, and defecated on the logic center of my brain. “Ho-ho, Mr. Bay. Well played.”, I cried, “but you will dupe me NO MORE!”

I read stories that you were working on a third “T4mers”. I ignored them with frosty conviction. I heard you were shooting it 3D like your hero J. Cam, and that it would be darker, and less shitty. I tried not to listen. I eventually caved and bought “Revenge of the Fallen” because of the “picture quality”, and started wondering what a 3D movie by Mic B. might look like. Then that trailer came out. I tried to be unmoved, I tried to stay strong. But I can’t resist. Your just gonna get me every time. I’ll be there. Day one. 3D. With this on my face.

You win. You always do.

Sincerely,
Everyone